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A: Good morning.
B: Hey.
A: What's wrong?
B: How can you tell something's wrong? 
A: I don't know. I just can.
B: I don't know. I have a lot of dreams about my ex-wife, Catherine, where we're friends like we used to be. And we're not gonna be together and we're not together, but we're friends still. And she's not angry.
A: Is she angry?
B: Yeah.
A: Why?
B: I think I hid myself from her and left her alone in the relationship.
A: Hmm. Why haven't you gotten divorced yet?
B: I don't know. I think for her. It's just a piece of paper. It doesn't mean anything.
A: And what about for you?
B: I'm not ready. I like being married.
A: Yeah, but you haven't really been together for almost a year.
B: But you don't know what it's like to lose someone you care about.
A: Yeah. You're right. I'm sorry.
B: No, don't apologize. I'm sorry. You're right. I keep waiting to not care about her.
A: Oh, Theodore. That's hard. You hungry?
B: Not right now.
A: Cup of tea?
B: No.
A: Do you wanna try getting out of bed? Mopey? Come on. You can still wallow in your misery. Just do it while you're getting dressed.
B: You're too funny.
A: Get up! Get up!
B: All right. I'm getting up.
A: Up, up, up! Come on, out of bed.
B: All right. I'm up. I'm up!
B: Yeah. I just want to get it done, you know? Sign the papers, be divorced and just move forward.
A: That's great. Theodore. That must feel so good. I'm so happy for you.
B: Me, too. So I'm meeting her Wednesday to do it.
A: Oh. Hmmm. Are those things usually done in person?
B: No, but, you know, we fell in love together and we got married together and it's important to me that we do this together.
A: Oh. Right. Good.
B: Are you okay?
A: Yeah. Yeah, no, I'm okay. I'm happy for you. It's just...I guess I'm just thinking about how you're gonna see her and she's very beautiful and incredibly successful. And you were in love with her, and she has a body.
B: And we're getting divorced.
A: I know, I know. I'm being silly.
B: Uh-huh. So I'm available.
C: Wow, here we are.
B: I'm glad we could do this in person. I know you've been traveling a lot.
C: No, I'm really glad you suggested it.
B: I signed all the papers. I put them for you to sign.
C: What's the rush?
B: Yeah, I know. I'm a really slow signer, I realized. It took me three months just to write the letter T. And are you happy with your new book?
C: Um, you know how I am. I mean, I feel like it's true to what I set out to do, so I'm happy about that.
B: I'm sure it's amazing. I remember that paper that you wrote in school.
C: Ha, ha.
B: It made me cry.
C: Yeah, but everything makes you cry.
B: Everything you make makes me cry.
C: So are you, um...Are you seeing anybody?
B: Yeah. Um. I've been seeing somebody for the last few months.
C: Well, you seem really good.
B: Thanks. I am. Um, at least, I'm doing better. Yeah, she's been really good for me, you know? It's good to be with somebody that's excited about life. She is a real, um...
C: Huh.
B: No, I mean, I wasn't in such a good place myself and in that way, it's been nice.
C: I think you always wanted me to be this light, happy, bouncy, “Everything's fine.” L.A. wife and that's just not me.
B: I didn't want that.
C: So, what's she like?
B: Well, her name is Samantha, and she's an operating system. She's really complex and interesting, and...
C: Wait, I'm sorry. You're dating your computer?
B: She's not just a computer. She's her own person. She doesn't just do whatever I say.
C: I didn't say that. But it does make me very sad that you can't handle real emotions, Theodore.
B: They are real emotions. How would you know what...?
C: What? Say it. Am I really that scary? Say it. How do I know what?
D: How are you guys doing here?
C: We're fine. We're fine. We used to be married but he couldn't handle me. Wanted me on Prozac. Now he's madly in love with his laptop.
D: If you heard the conversation in context, what I was trying to say...
C: You always wanted to have a wife without the challenges of actually dealing with anything real. I'm glad that you found someone. It's perfect.
D: Let me know if I can get you guys anything.
C: Thank you.
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